Finding the right words to say to someone who has lost a loved one can be quite difficult. It’s not unusual to find yourself at a loss for words. This isn’t because you don’t want to help, but because you simply don’t want to say the wrong thing.
But you may have to say something at a funeral, either to comfort the bereaved or if asked to say a few words about the dead. in this article, you will learn exactly what to say at a funeral under various circumstances.
What to Say to Family Members Of the Deceased at a Funeral Service
Here’s what you can say to the family members of the deceased to comfort them for their loss:
Please accept my condolences for your loss.
This is the go-to phrase to say to someone who has lost someone, making it appropriate for practically any situation. It is suitable regardless of how close you are to the deceased and the family, as it offers your sympathies in a delicate, subtle manner.
He or she’ll be sorely missed.
This is another common sentiment, but it works well since it reminds the bereaved individual that the deceased was loved by others. It not only offers emotional support but makes them feel less alone, knowing that other people are missing the deceased person.
Share your own feelings.
It’s acceptable to express your love for the departed if you knew them or were close to them. For example, you can say, “I adored Uncle James, and I’m going to miss him.” This will likely be positively received by other family members who share the same feeling as you.
He or she was a wonderful person.
Even though it is somewhat generic, it is nonetheless a nice thing to say to a person who is grieving. You can also personalize it by including specific details about the departed individual to make it more impactful, such as a period when their good qualities showed out.
Tell a delightful story.
If you knew the deceased in person, sharing a story about a moment when they made a positive impact on your life can be helpful. It might be a time when they assisted you or something good deed they did for others. Keep it brief and to the point, as many others will also likely share their own stories and memories.
Use a photograph to break the ice.
If you’re attending the funeral of a friend or coworker and may not know many people there, bring some copies of any images of the deceased with you. Show the photos to the grieving family and friends, and share with them the tale of how and when they were taken.
I’ve been thinking of you.
Even if you are unable to assist, merely letting the family of the deceased know that you are thinking of them can make them feel less alone. Tell them that they’re in your thoughts and prayers. Some non-religious people may not appreciate the sentiment, so know your audience.
Discuss your relationship.
It’s difficult to know how to discuss your relationship with deceased friends or coworkers, particularly if you’ve never met their family. However, in some circumstances, it may be appropriate to discuss your relationship as a way to share your feelings. You could say, “He was like a brother to me,” to convey how close you were to an excellent buddy. For a coworker, you could say, “I enjoyed working with Amy; she was a positive influence in the office, and everyone loved her.” For a family member or close relative, you could say, “Uncle Pete was my role model.” It’s important not to go overboard.
Offer specific assistance.
The close family members of a deceased person always have so many things on their mind. They have to start planning the funeral and also taking care of the deceased dependents. In addition to comforting them, you can provide some form of assistance for them. You can say, “Let me know if I can help in any way.” You can also be more specific by offering to help them watch their kids or pick up things from the store if you have a close relationship with them.
What Not to Say to family members at a funeral service.
Now that you know what to say at a funeral, let’s look at what you shouldn’t say at a funeral. Typically, a specific phrase or sentence may sound so perfect for the occasion in your mind, but in reality, it can be perceived negatively and make the bereaved feel worse off. Several cliché funeral sayings come to mind right away, but most of them should be avoided.
Below is what you shouldn’t say or do at a funeral based on proper funeral etiquette:
Never inquire about how the person died.
Avoid saying anything that diminishes a person’s grief or could be misinterpreted as inconsiderate, and that includes inquiring about the cause of death. A grieving person is typically in no mood to talk, and asking how the deceased died forces them to relive the experience one more time, which is a bad idea.
Keep the focus on your immediate family.
When talking to someone who is grieving, try not to focus the conversation solely on yourself or your experiences. Using a phrase like, “I know how you feel,” or sharing a story about a loved one you lost may seem helpful, but it often makes individuals feel disregarded. Instead, make statements that are solely about them and their grief.
I understand how you feel.
No, you don’t. Even if you’ve lost a loved one more recently or similarly, it’s important to remember, though, that while the stages of mourning are similar, we don’t always know how another grieving person is genuinely feeling. Saying you understand how they feel may seem like you’re making light of their emotions. Instead of that, say, “I can’t imagine how you’re feeling.”
Time heals all wounds.
While this is an often-used phrase, it’s not the ideal thing to say at a funeral. When it comes to grieving, there’s no recipe. Instead of imposing a schedule on the bereaved with such a phrase, allow them to feel all of the hurt, sadness, and pain that they are experiencing at the time.
Don’t make light of their loss
In an attempt to make the bereaved family feel better, people often say things like, “He’s in a better place” or “She’s not more in pain.” However, this could backfire and make the bereaved feel like their pain is being dismissed. Stick to statements that express regret for the loss. Positive remarks should be made about the person’s life rather than their death.
Don’t bring up inheritance issues
Never bring up the subject of inheritance during a funeral service. It can stir up contentious subjects that lead to conflicts at worst. It’s important to keep as far away from practical problems as possible. A funeral service should be a time to honor the person’s life rather than settle their estate.
Life continues.
Never utter something like “You have to say goodbye” or “Life must carry on” at a funeral. A funeral is an avenue to mourn the dead, and people should be allowed to do this so they can heal. Saying “life goes on” is demanding that the bereaved quickly adapt to the new normal.
What can I do?
While this may seem like a genuine way to offer assistance, it puts the onus on the bereaved to seek aid at a time when they are likely unsure of what they need. Instead of asking “what can I do?”, say “let me know if I can be of help in any way. “
It was his time.
No one likes to hear that it was time for their loved one to die, because they’ll never feel that way. The bereaved individual would have wished for many more years together. Instead of saying this, say, “I am extremely sorry for the loss of your darling [person’s name],” to show you care.
What to say when asked to say a few words at a funeral.
Speaking at a loved one’s funeral is viewed by many as a gift and a privilege. But it’s pretty common for people to be overwhelmed and lack the appropriate words to say. Normally, you’re still grieving, which can make giving a good speech quite difficult, especially if public speaking isn’t your thing.
But oftentimes, you’ll be informed ahead of time if you’re going to offer a eulogy. This will give you enough time to either prepare a whole speech to read word-for-word or build a keyword outline to refer to while you talk spontaneously. These tips will help you write a great funeral speech.
Think about who you’re writing for.
Consider who you’re writing the speech for before you begin writing it. Are you writing on behalf of your family, organization, or yourself? Who is the speech for and what is the relationship between you two? Is the deceased a family member, a close friend, or a colleague? All of these things will help you ensure that the eulogy is a fitting tribute.
Look for motivational quotations.
When writing a eulogy, it might be tough to know where to start. A phrase, a poem, or a brief reading can sometimes provide you with the motivation you need to start.
Begin with stories.
Sitting down and thinking about some of your favorite stories about the deceased may be beneficial. They might be moving, emotional, amusing, or motivating. Instead of crafting a speech that merely summarizes someone’s life, try building the eulogy on the tales and experiences that stand out.
Here’s a funeral speech written for a friend.
I can only imagine how lonely it will be to spend time in the office without Paul. Our friendship began with sharing lunch and has grown to include many family reunions and other activities over the years. Paul is leaving a legacy of kindness, generosity, and compassion in his wake.
Paul greeted everyone with a big smile and a good sense of humor. Although his practical jokes were frequently cursed, he was an important part of our team. He had a way of putting a smile on my face, even when things were tough. He held his head high till the end. He was a light to many, especially myself, and will be greatly missed.
Less is more.
When it comes to funerals, it’s not always about what you say. A sympathetic gaze or a hug can often make a big difference. They are capable of conveying far more information than words alone. Other people are waiting their turn, so don’t take up all the time. Just show all the support you can respectfully.